Let’s be honest, there is a reason why there are so many lawyer jokes, and most of them are truly funny.   Following is a collection of lawyer jokes, stories, quotes and things actually said in court.  Enjoy!

Q.  What’s the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?

A.  There are skid marks in front of the snake.

Q.  What’s the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of manure?

A.  The bucket.

Q.  What’s the difference between a lawyer and God?

A.  God doesn’t think he’s a lawyer.

Qs the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?

A.  A gigolo only screws one person at a time.

Q.  What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?

A.  A vampire only sucks blood at night.

Q.  What’s the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?

A.  One’s a slimy scum-sucking scavenger; the other is just a fish.

Q.  What’s the difference between a mosquito and a lawyer?

A.  One is a blood-sucking parasite; the other is an insect.

Q.  What’s the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?

A.  The lawyer charges more.

Q.  What’s the difference between a stagecoach and a lawyer?

A.  One is built for the long haul and runs roughshod over everything in its path; the other carries passengers.

Q.  What’s the difference between a lawyer and a leech?

A.  When you die, a leech will stop sucking your blood and drop off.

Q.  What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?

A.  A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years; a good lawyer can make it last even longer.

Q.  What’s the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?

A.  A boxing referee doesn’t get paid extra for a longer fight.

Q.  What’s the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?

A.  You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.

Q.  What’s the difference between lawyers and accountants? 

A.  At least accountants know they’re boring.

Q.  What’s the difference between a corpse and a lawyer in a courtroom?

A.  One just lies there; the other just lies, there.

Q.  What’s the difference between an orthodontist and a lawyer?

A.  You get your money’s worth from the orthodontist’s retainer.

Q.  What’s the difference between a defendant and a long-winded lawyer?

A.  One is tried by the jury; the other tries the jury.

Q.  What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?

A.  A good start!

Q.  How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?

A.  His lips are moving.

Q.  Why won’t sharks attack lawyers?

A.  Professional courtesy.

Q.  What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?

A.  Not enough sand.

Q.  What do you buy a friend graduating from Law School?

A.  A lobotomy.

Q.  How do you save five drowning lawyers?

A.  Who cares?

Q.  What do you call a block of cement containing ten lawyers?

A.  A waste of cement.

Q.  How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?

A1.  Shoot him before he hits the water.

A2.  Take your foot off his head.

Q.  How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?

A.  Cut the rope.

Q.  What do you do if you run over a Lawyer?

A1.  Back over him to make sure he’s dead.

A2.  Make another notch on the steering wheel.

Q.  What is the definition of a shame (as in “that’s a shame”)?

A.  When a bus load of lawyers goes off a cliff.

Q.  What is the definition of a “crying shame?”

A.  There was still one empty seat.

Q.  What can a goose do, a duck can’t, and a lawyer should?

A.  Stick his bill up his butt.

Q.  What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?

A.  An offer you can’t understand.

Q.  Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?

A.  From chasing parked ambulances.

Q.  Where can you find a good lawyer?

A.  In the cemetery.

Q.  Why does New Jersey have all the toxic waste dumps and California have all the lawyers?

A.  Because New Jersey got first pick!

Q.  What do you need when you have a car half full of cement and a lawyer in it?

A.  More cement.

Q.  Why do lawyers display a copy of their bar association cards on their dashboards?

A.  So they can park in handicapped zones.

Q.  What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?

A.  Your Honor.

Q.  If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don’t you swerve to hit him?

A.  It might be your bicycle.

Q.  What do lawyers use as contraceptives?

A.  Their personalities.

Q.  What’s brown and black and looks good on a lawyer?

A.  A Doberman.

Q.  Why are lawyers buried 12 feet underground?

A.  Because deep down they’re actually good.

Q.  How many lawyer jokes are there?

A.  Only three; the rest are true stories.

Q.  If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

Q.  How are an apple and a lawyer alike?

A.  They both look good hanging from a tree.

Q.  What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?

A.  Nothing; there are some things even a pig won’t do.

Q.  You’re trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets; what should you do?

A.  Shoot the lawyer; twice.

Q.  What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?

A.  Skeet.

Q.  What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?

A.  The caterer.

Q. Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?

A1.  If one side has one, the other side has to get one.

A2.  Once launched, they can’t be recalled.

A3.  When they land, they screw everything up for the next 20 years.

Q.  What is a criminal lawyer?

A.  Redundant.

Q.  What’s better than a dead lawyer lying in the road?

A.  Two dead lawyers lying in the road.

Q.  How many lawyers does it take to stop a cement truck traveling at 60 mph?

A.  Never enough.

Q.  Why did the lawyer cross the road?

A.  To sue the chicken on the other side.

Q.  How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

A.  How many can you afford?

Q.  If one useless man is called a disgrace, what are two useless men called?

A.  A law firm.

Q.  What’s wrong with lawyer jokes?

A.  Lawyers don’t think they’re funny and other people don’t think they’re jokes.

Q.  What do you say to a lawyer when you see he’s about to get hit by a truck?


Q.  What happened to the lawyer when he took Viagra?

A.  He got taller.

Q.  Why don’t you ever see lawyers at the beach?

A.  Cats keep covering them with sand.

Q.  What do you get when you cross a librarian with a lawyer?

A.  All the information you need—but you can’t understand a word of it.

Q.  What do you call a lawyer gone bad?

A.  Senator.

Q.  What’s the difference between one law office or two law offices in a small town?

A.  One can earn an okay living, but two can make a fortune.

Q.  How do you get a group of lawyers to smile for a picture?

A.  Just say “Fees!”

Q.  How does an attorney sleep?

A.  First he lies on one side, then on the other.

Q.  If you have a bad lawyer, why not get a new one?

A.  Changing lawyers is like moving to a different deck chair on the Titanic.

Q.  What is a contingent fee?

A.  A contingent fee means if the lawyer doesn’t win your suit, then he gets nothing; if the lawyer does win it, then you get nothing.

Q.  To what tribe to all lawyers belong?

A.  The Sue Nation.

Q.  What happens to attorneys when they die?

A.  They lie still.

Warning Signs That You Might Need a Different Lawyer:

     * Your lawyer tells you that his last good case was of Budweiser.

     * When the prosecutors see your lawyer, they high-five each other.

     * Your lawyer picks the jury by playing “duck-duck-goose.”

     * Your lawyer tells you that he has never told a lie.

     * A prison guard is shaving your head.

How lawyers do it . . .

     * Lawyers do it with appeal.

     * Lawyers do it confidentially.

     * Lawyers do it on a trial basis. 

     * Lawyers do it until justice prevails.

     * Lawyers do it for as long as you can pay them.

     * Lawyers do it unless it is prohibited by law.

Old lawyers never die, they just lose on appeal.

Any time a lawyer is seen but not heard, it’s a shame to wake him.

Did you hear they came out with a new Barbie doll called “Divorce Barbie?”  It comes with all of Ken’s stuff.

Did you hear about the terrorist that hijacked an airplane full of lawyers?  He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren’t met.

Did you hear about the attorney who was lost in thought?  Seems it was unfamiliar territory.

Did you hear about the word processing program just for attorneys?  Whatever font you select, it comes out in fine print.

A law firm receptionist answers the phone the morning after the firm’s senior partner had passed away unexpectedly.  "Is Mr. Smith there?" asks the client on the phone.  "I’m very sorry," the receptionist answers, “but Mr. Smith passed away last night."  The client thanks the receptionist and hangs up.  The next day, the same client calls again and asks for Mr. Smith.  “I’m sorry,” the receptionist replies again, “but Mr. Smith is deceased.”  The client thanks her and hangs up.  The next day, the same client calls again and asks for Mr. Smith.  The exasperated receptionist replies, “Look, I don’t know how much clearer I can make this, but Mr. Smith is DEAD!”  “Oh I heard you the first time,” said the client, “I just really like to hear you say it.”

At a convention of biological scientists, one researcher remarks to another, “Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?”  “Really?” the other replied, “Why did you switch?”  "Well, for three reasons.  First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful; second, the lab assistants don’t get so attached to them; and third there are some things even a rat won’t do."

A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, “Do you serve lawyers here?”  ”Sure do,” replied the bartender.  "Good," said the man.  "Give me a beer, and I’ll have a lawyer for my ‘gator."

A man was sent to Hell for his sins.  As he was being taken to the place of eternal torment, he saw a lawyer making passionate love to a beautiful woman.  “What a rip-off,” the man muttered.  “I have to roast for all eternity and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman.”  Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the escorting demon snarled, “Who are you to question that woman’s punishment?”

A man walked into a lawyer’s office and inquired about the lawyer’s rates.  "$150.00 for three questions," replied the lawyer.  "Isn’t that kinda steep?" asked the man while doling out the $150.00.  "Yes it is," answered the lawyer, “what’s your third question?” 

A defendant was asked if he wanted a bench trial or a jury trial.  "Jury trial," the defendant replied.  "Do you understand the difference?" asked the judge.  "Sure," replied the defendant, “That’s where twelve ignorant people decide my fate instead of one.”

A lawyer phoned the governor’s mansion shortly after midnight.  "I need to talk to the governor, it’s an emergency!" exclaimed the lawyer.  After some cajoling, the governor’s aide eventually agreed to wake him up.  "So, what is it that’s so important that it can’t wait until morning?" grumbled the governor.  "Judge Brown just died, and I want to take his place," pleaded the attorney.  "Well, it’s okay with me if it’s okay with the mortuary," came the reply.

A devout, good couple were about to get married, but a tragic car accident ended their lives.  When they got to heaven, they asked St. Peter if he could arrange for them to be married, saying it was what they had hoped for in life, and they still desired wedded union.  He thought about it and agreed, but said they would have to wait.  It was almost one hundred years later when St. Peter sent for them.  They were married in a simple ceremony.  So things went on for thirty years or so, but they determined, in this time, that eternity was best not spent together.  They went back to St. Peter, and said, “We thought we would be happy forever, but now we believe that we have irreconcilable differences.  Is there any way we can get divorced?”  “Are you kidding?” said St. Peter.  "It took me a hundred years to get a priest up here to marry you.  I’ll never get a lawyer."

“There I was, alone in the jungle and about to be eaten by a lion,” Dave said to Charlie.  “And then I uttered the words that saved my life: ‘I am an attorney and an honest man.’”  “How did that save your life?” asked Charlie.  “Well,” said Dave, “not even a lion can swallow that.”

An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him.  The Devil told the lawyer, "I have a proposition for you.  You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life.  Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money.  All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife’s soul, your children’s souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends and law partners."  The lawyer thought about this for a moment, and then asked, “So what’s the catch?”

A couple of lawyers are out hunting in the woods when one of them suddenly falls to the ground.  He doesn’t seem to be breathing, and his eyes are rolled back in his head.  The other lawyer quickly pulls out his cell phone and calls 911 for help.  "911, state the nature of your emergency," says the emergency operator.  "My friend is dead!  What can I do?" gasps the lawyer.  "Just take it easy; I can help you," the operator says calmly.  "First, let’s make sure he’s actually dead."  There’s a short pause, then a shot is heard.  The lawyer’s voice comes back to the line and hurriedly asks, “OK, now what?”

A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean.  The lawyer, wanting to start a conversation with the gentleman next to him, said “I’m here ‘cause my house burned down and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire.  The insurance company paid for everything.”  “That’s quite a coincidence,” said the engineer, “I’m here ‘cause my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything.”  The lawyer pondered the engineer’s plight for a moment and, looking somewhat confused, asked, “How do you start a flood?”

Children who never come when called will grow up to be doctors.  Children who come before they are called will grow up to be lawyers.

George and Harry set out in a trans-Atlantic hot air balloon race.  After 37 hours in the air and appearing lost, George offers, “We had better lose some altitude Harry so we can see exactly where we are.”  Hesitantly, Harry lets some hot air out of the balloon, and it begins to slowly descend below the cloud cover.  Still confused as to their exact location George again offers, “I still can’t tell where we are Harry, let’s ask that gentleman down there on the ground.”  Harry yells down to the stranger, “Hey, mister can you tell us where we are?”  "You’re in a balloon about 100 feet up in the air," came the reply.  "That man must be a lawyer," George quipped.  “How can you tell?” said Harry.  "Because the advice he just gave us is 100% accurate and totally useless!"

A bored truck driver had a nasty habit of swerving to hit attorneys he found walking along side of the highway.  One day as he was driving along he came across a Nun who appeared to be having car trouble, so he pulled over to offer the Nun a ride to the nearest service station.  The Nun graciously thanked the driver for stopping and accepted his offer.  After driving a few miles the truck driver saw an attorney walking along the highway.  As was his custom, the truck driver swerved to hit the attorney but, at the last moment, remembered he had the Nun as a passenger and abruptly swerved away to avoid hitting the attorney.  Surprised upon hearing a loud “thump” as he passed the attorney, the truck driver peered in his rear view only to see the attorney lying injured alongside of the road.  "I’m so sorry Sister, I thought I missed hitting that attorney!" the truck driver explained.  "You did my son, but I got him with the door!" replied the Nun.

A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a lawyer are seated in the same compartment on a train.  The Russian takes a bottle of vodka out of his luggage, pours some into a glass, drinks it, and firmly states, “In Russia, we have best vodka in the world, nowhere in the world you can find vodka as good as one we make in mother Russia.  And, we have much of it, so much we can just throw it away like water.”  Whereupon the Russian opens the train’s window and hurls the vodka out of the train.  The others in the compartment are quite impressed.  Just then the Cuban removes a box of Havana cigars from his luggage, removes one, lights it and begins to smoke.  “In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world, ‘Havanas,’ nowhere in the world are there such many and good cigars, and we have much of them also, such many that we can just throw them away.”  Making that bold statement, the Cuban sends the box of Havanas the way of the vodka.  Once again, the compartment’s occupants are quite impressed.  At that moment, not to be out done, the American abruptly stands up, opens the window, and throws the lawyer out!

A lawyer’s dog, running about unleashed, beelines for the local butcher shop and steals a roast off the counter.  The butcher goes to the lawyer’s office and asks, “If a dog, running unleashed, steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog’s owner?”  ”Absolutely,” the lawyer responded.  The butcher immediately shot back, “Good!  You owe me $7.99 for the roast your dog stole from me this morning.”  The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $7.99.  A few days later, the butcher, browsing through his mail, finds an envelope from the lawyer.  The contents read “Consultation: $25.00.”

If you laid all of the lawyers in the world end to end, on the equator—it would be a good idea to just leave them there.

One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his shiny limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.  Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate the situation.  He asked one man, “Why are you eating grass?”  “We have to eat grass because we don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied.  Shocked, the lawyer said, “Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I’ll feed you!”  “But sir, I have a wife and two children with me; they are over there under that tree.”  "Bring them along," the lawyer replied.  Turning to the other poor man he said, “You come with us, too.”  The second man said, “But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me.”  “Bring them all!” the lawyer answered.  They all jammed into the huge limo.  Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, “Sir, you are too kind.  Thank you for taking all of us with you.”  Genuinely touched, the lawyer replied, “Glad to do it.  You’ll really love my place; the grass is almost a foot high!”

Two duck hunters ran into one another early one morning. One of them noticed that the other’s dog was just sitting there, with no interest in retrieving any of the fowl his master downed.  The first hunter asked, “What’s wrong with your dog?  The last time I saw you two he was one of the best bird dogs I’d ever seen!”  “Well,” the other hunter replied, “His name’s Lawyer.  He used to run all over creation, working hard and getting the job done.  Then one day someone made the mistake of calling him Judge, so now all he does is sit on his butt and bark.”

A father walks into a bookstore with his young son.  The boy is holding a nickel. After a few minutes in the store, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.  The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickel and starts panicking, shouting for help.  A well dressed, attractive and serious-looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.  At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the book store.  Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy’s testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.  After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.  Releasing the boy’s testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.  As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, “I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic.  Are you a doctor?”  “No,” the woman replied.  “Divorce attorney.”

A guy walks into a post office one day to see an overweight, middle-aged, bald man standing at the counter methodically placing “love” stamps on a huge stack of bright pink envelopes covered in hearts.  The man then took out a perfume bottle and spritzed each envelope.  His curiosity gets the better of him, so he asks the man what he is doing.  The man says, “I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?’”  “But why would you do that?” asked the other.  “I’m a divorce lawyer,” the man replied.

Ninety-eight-year-old Mrs. Simpson walked slowly into her attorney’s office, sat down, and said, “I want a divorce.”  The lawyer was astonished.  “But, Mrs. Simpson, you’ve been married for seventy-five years.  Why do you want a divorce now?”  The woman replied, “We wanted to wait till the children were dead.”

Called into the judge’s chambers, the attorneys immediately launched into a verbal volley.  “You are, without a doubt, the world’s biggest fool!” said one.  “And you, my friend, are the biggest ass in history!”  The judge shouted, “Counselors, please!  Have you forgotten that I am in the room?”

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Enzo, has cheated him out of $10 million.  His bookkeeper is deaf, which was a primary reason he was given the job in the first place—it was assumed that Enzo would hear nothing that he might have to testify about later in court.  When the Godfather goes to confront Enzo about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.  The Godfather tells his lawyer, “Ask him where the $10 million is that he embezzled from me.”  The lawyer, using sign language, asks Enzo where the money is.  Enzo signs back, “I don’t know what you are talking about.”  The lawyer tells the Godfather, “He says he doesn’t know what you are talking about.”  The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Enzo’s temple and says, “Ask him again!”  The lawyer signs to Enzo, “He’ll kill you if you don’t tell him.”  Enzo signs back, “Okay, okay, you win!  The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Bruno’s backyard in Woodbridge!”  The Godfather asks the lawyer, “So what did he say?”  The lawyer replies, “He says you don’t have the guts to pull the trigger.”

A client who felt his legal bill was too high asked his lawyer to itemize the costs.  The statements included the following entry.  “I was walking down the street and saw you on the other side.  I walked to the corner to cross at the light, crossed the street and walked quickly to catch up with you.  I got close and saw it wasn’t you. $50.00.”

Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?  It’s called “Sosumi.”

Two lawyers were out hunting when they came upon a pair of tracks.  They stopped and examined the tracks closely.  The first lawyer announced, “Those are deer tracks.  It’s deer season, so we should follow the tracks and find our prey.”  The second lawyer responded, “Those are clearly elk tracks, and elk are out of season.  If we follow your advice, we’ll waste the day.”  Each attorney believed himself to be the superior woodsman, and they both bitterly stuck to their guns.  They were still arguing when the train hit them.

Isn’t it a shame how 99 percent of the lawyers give the whole profession a bad name?

A man came across a striking brass rat in an antique store and decided it would look great on his desk.  He paid $100 for it, but was surprised when the proprietor insisted it was non-returnable.  He said, “It’s been returned twice already, and I don’t want to see it again.”  Leaving the store, the man saw a couple of rats scurrying around the corner; several more were near his car.  As he drove, rats appeared from the gutters and side streets until he was nearly overwhelmed.  In panic, he threw the brass rat over a bridge railing into a river, and witnessed the army of live rats follow it into the depths.  The man hurried back to the store, but the owner cut him short, saying, “Look, I told you there would be no returns.”  The man quickly replied, “Oh no, that’s fine. I was just wondering if you had a brass lawyer.”

A lawyer, a used car salesman, and a banker were gathered by the coffin containing the body of an old friend.  In his grief, one of the three said, “In my family, we have a custom of giving the dead some money, so they’ll have something to spend on the other side.”  They all agreed that this was appropriate.  The banker dropped a hundred dollar bill into the casket, and the car salesman did the same.  The lawyer took out the bills and wrote a check for $300.

A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer.  The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and remarked, “I never know how to handle the situation when I’m asked for medical advice during a social function.  Is it acceptable to send a bill for such advice?”  The lawyer replied that it was certainly acceptable to do so.  So the next day, the doctor sent the ulcer-stricken man a bill, and an hour later Fed-Ex delivered the lawyer’s bill to the doctor.

Sarah asked an old friend to go out for a drink with her after work.  “I don’t understand,” Mary complained.  “When people find out I’m a lawyer, they take an instant dislike to me.  Why would they do that?”  Sarah appeared to think for a moment and then suggested, “Maybe it just saves time.”

Old Mr. Johnson was writing out a new will.  “How many children do you have?” asked his attorney.  "That question," the old playboy replied with a wink, “won’t be answered until this will is contested.”

“You seem to be in some distress,” said the kind judge to the witness.  “Is anything the matter?”  “Well, Your Honor,” said the witness, “I sore to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, but every time I try to do so some lawyer objects.”

Two muggers met in an alley.  One said to the other breathlessly, “I just tried to mug a lawyer.”  “Yikes!” cried the other, “did he get anything?”

After being accused of assault and battery, a client said to his attorney, “I’ve got half a million bucks.  Can you get me off?”  “You have my word,” said the attorney, “you will not go to jail with that much money.”

A teacher explains to her class, “A millionaire dies and leaves twenty million dollars to his heirs.  One son gets a third, the daughter gets a quarter, and the other son gets a fifth.  What does each one get?”  A student immediately answers, “A lawyer!”

The slick attorney was arguing his case before the judge.  “Your Honor, I think the officers were a bit hasty in their assessment of my client’s condition,” said the lawyer.  “While it’s true that my client had been drinking and was intoxicated, he was not inebriated.”  “I accept your explanation,” responded the judge, “and instead of fining him a thousand dollars, I fine him a grand.”

As the defendant was brought before the judge, the judge asked him, “Don’t you need a lawyer?”  “No,” he replied, “I’m going to tell the truth.”

The defendant was acquitted of knocking off a bank, and phoned his wife with the good news.  “My lawyer got me off,” he said.  “Trouble is, now I’m gonna have to rob a bank to pay her.”

A lawyer was filling out a job application when he came to the question: “Have you ever been arrested?”  He answered, “No.”  The next question, intended for those who answered the preceding question with a yes, was “Why?”  Nevertheless, the lawyer answered it: “Never got caught.”

An attorney passed on and found himself in Heaven, but not at all happy with his accommodations.  He complained to St. Peter, who told him that his only recourse was to appeal his assignment.  The attorney immediately advised that he intended to appeal, but was then told he would be waiting at least three years before his appeal could be heard.  The attorney protested that a three-year wait was unconscionable, but his words fell on deaf ears.  The lawyer was then approached by the devil, who told him that he would be able to arrange an appeal to be heard in a few days, if the attorney was willing to change the venue to Hell.  When the attorney asked why appeals could be heard so much sooner in Hell, he was told, “We have all the judges.”

While traveling through Texas, a New York lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff’s deputy.  Certain that he’s smarter than the rural cop, the attorney decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy’s expense.  The deputy asks, “License and registration, please.”  “What for?” the lawyer responds.  The deputy says, “You didn’t come to a complete stop at the stop sign.”  The lawyer then explains, “I slowed down, and no one was coming.  If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I’ll give you my license and registration, and you give me the ticket.  If not, you let me go and don’t give me the ticket.”  “That sound fair; please exit your vehicle, sir” the deputy replies.  At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the daylights out of the lawyer and asks, “Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?”

The bedraggled lawyer sat at the bar and told the bartender, “I’d like an attorney drink, please.”  “How do you make an attorney drink?” asked the confused bartender.  The lawyer replied, “Take away his biggest client.”

When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law before the criminal gets arrested, we call him an accomplice.  When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law after the criminal gets arrested, we call him a defense lawyer.

Your lawyer in practice spends a considerable part of his life doing distasteful things for disagreeable people who must be satisfied against an impossible time limit in which are hourly interruptions from other disagreeable people who want to derail the train; and for his blood, sweat, and tears, he receives in the end a few unkind words to the effect that it might have been done better, and a protest at the size of the fee.   —William L. Prossner—

Please accept without obligation, express or implied, these best wishes for an environmentally safe, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, and gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday as practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice (but with respect for the religious or secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or for their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all) and further for a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated onset of the generally accepted calendar year (including, but not limited to, the Christian calendar, but now without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures).  The preceding wishes are extended without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual preference of the wishee(s).  —Anonymous—

The difficult task, after one learns how to think like a lawyer, is relearning how to write like a human being.  —Floyd Abrams—

The illegal we do immediately.  The unconstitutional takes a little longer. —Henry Kissinger—

It was a jury of average ignorance perfectly capable of determining which side had the best attorney.  —Old Judge’s Axiom—

There’s no better way of exercising the imagination than the study of law.  No poet ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets the truth.  —Jean Giraudoux—

A lawyer is a person who writes a ten thousand word document and calls it a “brief.”  —Franz Kafka—

Following are some statements actually made in court, word for word.


ATTORNEY:  What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS:  Gucci sweats and Reeboks.


ATTORNEY:  This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?


ATTORNEY:  And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS:  I forget.

ATTORNEY:  You forget?  Can you give us an example of something you forgot?


ATTORNEY:  What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS:  He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”

ATTORNEY:  And why did that upset you?

WITNESS:  My name is Susan!


ATTORNEY:  Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

WITNESS:  We both do.

ATTORNEY:  Voodoo?

WITNESS:  We do.

ATTORNEY:  You do?

WITNESS:  Yes, voodoo.


ATTORNEY:  The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS:  Uh, he’s twenty-one.


ATTORNEY:  Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS:  Are you crappin’ me?


ATTORNEY:  Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS:  Did you actually pass the bar exam?


ATTORNEY:  She had three children, right?


ATTORNEY:  How many were boys?


ATTORNEY:  Were there any girls?

WITNESS:  Are you kidding me?  Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.  Can I get a new attorney?


ATTORNEY:  How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS:  By death.

ATTORNEY:  And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS:  Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?


ATTORNEY:  Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS:  No, this is how I dress when I go to work.


ATTORNEY:  ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?  What school did you go to?



ATTORNEY:  Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS:  He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY:  Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS:  Guess.


ATTORNEY:  Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?


ATTORNEY:  Did you check for blood pressure?


ATTORNEY:  Did you check for breathing?


ATTORNEY:  So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?


ATTORNEY:  How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS:  Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY:  I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS:  Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.


ATTORNEY:  Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS:  All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?


ATTORNEY:  Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS:  Huh . . . are you qualified to ask that question?


ATTORNEY:  Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS:  The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY:  And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS:  No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!


ATTORNEY:  Did your son tell you before he came in here what day it was?

WITNESS:  No, he didn’t tell me, but I myself know.

ATTORNEY:  Did your granddaughter talk to you about it?

WITNESS:  No, sometimes when I’m sober and working around the house, I remember these things.


ATTORNEY NO. 1:  Your Honor, for the record, I would like to note that the last time I was in court with the defendant, the defendant did not have a haircut.  He has had a haircut in the meantime.  Just like that on the record.

ATTORNEY NO. 2:  There’s nothing illegal about that, is there?

JUDGE:  It’s on the record.  That’s all I know about it.

ATTORNEY NO. 2:  I had a haircut last week.

ATTORNEY NO. 3:  I’m planning on getting a haircut next week.

ATTORNEY NO. 4:  I got one yesterday.

ATTORNEY NO. 2:  May I make an inquiry as to the court reporter?

JUDGE:  I was just going to ask.


JUDGE:  The charge here is theft of frozen chickens.  Are you the defendant, sir?

DEFENDANT:  No, sir, I’m the guy who stole the chickens.


ATTORNEY NO. 1:  Defense Counsel is accountable to you (the jury).

ATTORNEY NO. 2:  Judge, I object to that.  I object to him referring to me as a cannibal, Judge.

JUDGE:  He said accountable.

ATTORNEY NO. 2:  A what?

JUDGE:  He said accountable, not a cannibal.

ATTORNEY NO. 2:  It sounded like cannibal to me and I object.


PROSECUTOR:  I’ll ask you one last time, did you kill the victim?

DEFENDANT:  No sir, I did not.

PROSECUTOR:  Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?

DEFENDANT:  Yes sir, I do; and I know they’re a lot better than the penalty for murder.


ATTORNEY:  Could you see him from where you were standing?

WITNESS:  I could see his head.

ATTORNEY:  And where was his head?

WITNESS:  Just above his shoulders.


JUDGE:  Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?

JURY CANDIDATE:  I don’t want to be away from my job that long.

JUDGE:  Can’t they do without you at work?

JURY CANDIDATE:  Yes, but I don’t want them to know it.


ATTORNEY:  Any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?

WITNESS:  The victim lived.


ATTORNEY:  What is your relationship with the plaintiff?

WITNESS:  She is my daughter.

ATTORNEY:  Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?


JUDGE:  In this case the request is made for the appointment of a psychologist for the performance of an IQ test.  The court does not see the need for an IQ test since it appears to me that he is dumber than a fence post.

ATTORNEY:  Has the court stated it in numerical terms?

JUDGE:  His IQ is less than zero.


The defendant, charged with arson, missed a court appearance.

JUDGE:  Where were you?

DEFENDANT:  In the hospital.

JUDGE:  Why?

DEFENDANT:  Smoke inhalation.


JUDGE:  You’ve been charged with armed robbery.  Do you want the court to appoint a lawyer to represent you?

DEFENDANT:  You don’t have to appoint a very good lawyer; I’m going to plead guilty.


ATTORNEY:  When was the last time you saw Mr. Mitchell?

WITNESS:  At his funeral.

ATTORNEY:  Did he make any comments to you at that time?


JUDGE:  Is there anything else you would like to say before I pass sentence?

DEFENDANT:  Yes; Kirk to Enterprise—beam me up.


ATTORNEY:  Do you speak Spanish, officer?

WITNESS:  Yes, I do.

ATTORNEY:  Are you fluent in Spanish?

WITNESS:  Yes, I do.


PROSECUTOR:  Then what did you do?

POLICE OFFICER:  I began kicking in the door.

PROSECUTOR:  Where you wearing boots?

POLICE OFFICER:  Yes, sir, size twelve.

PROSECUTOR:  How many times did you kick the door?


PROSECUTOR:  What was Sergeant Harp doing while you were kicking the door?

POLICE OFFICER:  Laughing at me.


PROSECUTOR:  Are you sure that you did not enter the Seven-Eleven on 40th and N.E. Broadway and hold up the cashier on June 17 of this year?

DEFENDANT:  I’m pretty sure.


ATTORNEY:  Have you, any members of your family, or close friends, been arrested for any kind of crime?

WITNESS:  My brother was once arrested.

ATTORNEY:  How long ago was that?

WITNESS:  Six, seven years ago.

ATTORNEY:  And what was the nature of the offense?

WITNESS: I’m not exactly sure.  I think he was mainly arrested for being stupid.


JUDGE:  I suppose the money found on the defendant at the time of his arrest came from this liquor store robbery?

DEFENDANT:  No, that was bank robbery money.

JUDGE:  Has anyone led you to believe the governor will pardon you if you plead guilty?

DEFENDANT:  Well, I haven’t been home, Judge, but he might have called my mother.


ATTORNEY:  What is your date of birth?

WITNESS:  July fifteenth.

ATTORNEY:  What year?

WITNESS:  Every year.


ATTORNEY:  Have you lived in this town all your life?

WITNESS:  Not yet.


ATTORNEY:  What happened then?

WITNESS:  He told me, he says, “I have to kill you because you can identify me.”

ATTORNEY:  Did he kill you?


PROSECUTOR:  Your Honor, he is on a statement, he is on the witness list, he has to be called.  We know where he is.  I’m intending to call him.  I don’t know why I’m being circumcised.

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:  Because you are Jewish, but beyond that—circumscribed, Counselor.

PROSECUTOR:  That too.


JUDGE:  Counsel, could I interrupt you so we can get those exhibits to the jury and have them looking at them while you’re examining him, with the caution that they are to pay attention to the testimony, too?

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:  No, they don’t even have to pay attention to the testimony.

PROSECUTOR:  No objection.

DEFENSE ATTORNEY:  It’s mostly for my benefit.

JUDGE:  Well, that’s good.  I wasn’t listening either.


ATTORNEY:  How old is your son, the one living with you?

WITNESS:  Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.

ATTORNEY:  How long has he lived with you?

WITNESS:  Forty-five years.


PROSECUTOR:  Okay.  How much earlier had you used the cocaine?

DEFENDANT:  I was getting high all day.

PROSECUTOR:  All right.  So you were using cocaine.  Were you free-basing cocaine?

DEFENDANT:  No, I bought it.

PROSECUTOR:  We can put that one in the judicial humor book.


ATTORNEY:  And where was the location of the accident?

WITNESS:  Approximately milepost 499.

ATTORNEY:  And where is milepost 499?

WITNESS:  Probably between milepost 498 and 500.


ATTORNEY:  Did you blow your horn or anything?

WITNESS:  After the accident?

ATTORNEY:  Before the accident.

WITNESS:  Sure, I played for ten years.  I even went to school for it.


ATTORNEY:  How did you know that it was February 12th that were working on your car at Chris’s house?

WITNESS:  Because I went over there and I talked to a bunch of my alibis.

ATTORNEY:  Bunch of who?

WITNESS:  Alibis, the bunch of people I always hand around with.


DEFENDANT:  I remember when I was in your courtroom in 1956 when you was a municipal judge.

JUDGE:  I don’t think we should go into that.

DEFENDANT:  Not guilty, too.

JUDGE:  Well, we all make mistakes, sir, but you didn’t make one.

DEFENDANT:  Well, you made one.  I was guilty.


JUDGE:  Is everybody here?  Nobody is here.

PROSECUTOR:  Well, I take exception to that, Your Honor.

JUDGE:  Well, I mean nobody who is anybody.

PROSECUTOR:  I withdraw my objection.


ATTORNEY:  Is that your conclusion, that this man is a malingerer?

PSYCHIATRIST:  I wouldn’t be testifying if I didn’t think so; unless I was on the other side, then it would be a post-traumatic condition.